Some days it looks like "OMG... is this really my life?" Some days it looks more like "holy f*cking shit, I can't believe it's only Tuesday. Yesterday felt like I'd survived the entire week already!". Some days aren't pretty, but even the ugliest of those days add up to make something beautiful.
We are all working together, co-creating this existence of ours. Each moment is another choice, another chance to choose beauty. When I'm embodying my slightly more enlightened self and the hard days start to stack up, I gently remind myself that we're all just trying to make something beautiful together. I ask myself, "What's your part, right now, in this project we call life? What can you do to add to the beauty?".
Last week was a week of ugly days...one right after the next. Things are shifting as my baby boy grows and his nursing needs change, signaling a cascade of hormones that leaves everyone around me walking on eggshells. To say the least, I've been sour. I'm not writing, I'm not "arting", and I've shot very few frames this week. I'm sharing all of this with you
I don't want to set an impossible standard for the working, parenting creative thing. I don't want to set standards that I myself cannot even possibly live up to. I have flip-flopped on whether or not I'm actually ready for this kind of transparency...if it's a good idea, or if honesty even has a place on the interwebs or in this land of homogenous people and places...
I come full circle every time to one undeniable fact about me: I value integrity more than just about anything else. I want honest. I want real.
I expect to find beauty in all of the imperfections. I've built an artistic style out of the ability to recognize the beauty at any given moment and capture it, hold it up and say "see. see this here. everything is ok. everything is beautiful, really." I want my life and my art to be a comfort in the chaos and uncertainty. I don't want to be another voice on the internet that makes this whole life thing look easy. I don't want to be someone else to compare yourself to, a comparison that leaves your life, your parenting... your art falling short. The truth is we're all falling short, after all, we're people not Pinterest boards, and we're looking at the best of everyone's best on blog after blog and telling ourselves we're not "Artists". With a capital "A". Profession, Craft, Passion... gone proper noun.
I'm convinced that feeling like we're not quite good enough is just part of the price we pay for being human and having the ability to think about our thoughts. The ability to see the process from the outside, that seemingly cruel cosmic joke of self awareness.
So here I am, aware that every single moment of every day is good enough, that I am good enough, that enough is just showing up each day to try to do this thing again. I know that I am doing my best with what I have. That just has to be good enough. It has to be good enough for you and it has to be good enough for me. Now, we can all just agree to show up each new day and do our best, and that together we will make something wonderful of this life, indeed.