Comfortable Discomfort... Lost in the Illusion

I am out of practice speaking the language of spirit, and truth, and life.  I am out of practice living with and inside of my own spiritual principals.  Please forgive the fumbling as I try to explain what's been going on with me, my absence from the interwebs and the recent lack of anything truly meaningful in my words on this blog.  

I'd like to begin with the caveat that I am not a religious person, I dabble in the study of eastern philosophies and spiritual principles and when I'm balanced and centered and connected to my own magic and the magic of the world around me, I try my best to live what resonates.  

First.... a bit of a backstory.

In the spring of 2008, I was celebrating my fifth year clean, I was deep into my alternative medicine studies, and working as a massage therapist and chiropractic assistant in my second year (which would turn out to be my last, but that's a story for another time) of my acupuncture apprenticeship. 

I was reading everything I could get my hands on pertaining to alternative spiritualities/alternative healing/quantum mechanics/and new science. I was trying my best to use my brain to study my way to transcendence. 

I was trying to heal from my past and build a beautiful future. 

I was seeking.

The problem with that was the "I"... the ego.  And boy, was I trapped. 

All of the books, all of the words, all of the knowledge I was so quickly accumulating wasn't helping me to understand, let alone possess, the inner peace I could see shine from the healers around me.  An inner peace I knew I had to come to if I wanted to ensure my continued sobriety.  An inner peace I had been searching for my entire life, and in it's absence had experienced suffering great enough to bring me to seek solutions in dark places... and those dark places of course brought even more suffering, wounds that I am still doing the difficult work of learning to heal (also a story for another time).  

In April of 2008, with the help of entheogens, I had a spiritual awakening....

I awoke from the illusion of my own separateness. 

Everything I had been studying all of a sudden began to make sense.  I jumped into the flow of the universal pulse of life, shed my ego like a skin...making space for a new existence, and finally my heart had peace. With my soul no longer clawing at the sides of the cage of my own ego, I was finally free. I began to know that inner peace. 

I was learning the language of universal love and I was sprinkling that shit everywhere.  

Shortly thereafter, I met my first soul mate...because when we're living our truth and raising our vibration, we attract the most beautiful, perfect things.  Together we've created three children made of the stuff of stardust and magic, and even though our love has been tumultuous at times (because real and vulnerable is fucking hard stuff), we've stuck by each other for 8 years now. 

...and 2 years ago we met another beautiful soul that was clearly meant to join us and together we are learning how to create a relationship made of three.  There are no roadmaps, no role models...nowhere but ourselves and our own hearts to look to for insight.  Polyamory is fairly new to the culture we live in...we are forging our own path. And it is really, really hard stuff sometimes, but it's beautiful and totally worth every single moment...

...and life is beautiful and hard and this path to enlightenment is difficult (to say the least) and full of worldly distractions.  And boy, have I gotten distracted... and somewhat off-course.  

I've been birthing, and feeding, and loving and raising 4 tiny humans for the last 12 years...mostly without any community to speak of. We've re-located quite a bit and I don't resonate with just anyone, so it's been a lonely road. (Less lonely now that there's two of us home together, loving and supporting one another through the day-to-day of raising and educating and loving and living with all these tiny people.)

It was not until baby number four that I really began to value self-care and by then I was pretty worn out from years of putting my own needs on the back burner and give-give-giving.

I am a mother, but I am not superhuman.  I need rest and rejuvenation.

Anyhow.... recently I've hit a wall. I've tested the limits of my own energetic and spiritual reserves.  I strayed from my path and was not fond of the person I saw emerging.  I'm on a quest now to reconnect to myself...and to the beauty of this moment we are all so blessed to experience. 

So, I'm taking a breath...taking some time and finding myself again. 

I'm taking the space I need to get back on the path, to follow my heart, and to live my dreams. All the while, I am keeping in mind that I have to keep up the good work here...I have to keep your attention. In this land of instant gratification and everything at our fingertips, I have to keep moving at the speed of light or I'll fall off the map (there's a gratitude for bloggers and the internet that you can't possibly develop until you're living the life and working your ass off).

I've got to keep working- I've got to stay relevant-- and I've got to start making self-care a priority so I can keep up with all the beautiful creating that I want to do.  

Light in my Hands is my dream... my baby... 

I believe that we all long to come alive-- to be creative-- to live creatively and create the life we dream of. 

I try not to forget how lucky I am to be here now... not many people make it out of the life I was living; I've known too many whose lights have been extinguished.  I've known even more that have continued to live on, trapped in their own suffering. 

I found my way out...I found my way back to love and beauty and truth and spirit, and for that I am deeply grateful.  I have been blessed with many patient mentors and teachers along the way, and I can not imagine any path other than the one that allows me the space to give back--- to give of myself what I can to spread the love and light.

Light in my Hands is my gift to the world. 

With it, I hope to build a community of artists/creatives/seekers who can share their experiences and love of life with one another and all of our global community, and who can help remind each other that all we need to do to find peace is to wake up from the illusion of separateness.